Friday, February 5, 2010

Walking Through the Valley

I in no way want this to turn into me whining. However, this is a piece of me that is so huge that I really need to talk about it. I know that I go through hard times so that I may encourage others who share my heartache, and I'm writing this now in hopes that it will bring comfort to some one.

For 2 1/2 years, my husband and I have been battling infertility. We got pregnant on birth control just 3 months after our wedding day. We were thrilled, me more than him, to have our first child on her way. The 8 week appointment went great, the baby was healthy and thriving. I was having an easy pregnancy and couldn't wait to hold my little one soon. At my 12 week appointment, my doctor searched for a heart beat, but found nothing. The sonogram showed that my baby had died 2 weeks previous. I was crushed beyond imagining. I was angry with my God for letting my child die. I have never hurt so deeply, and I do not say this lightly; I am no stranger to loss. We agreed to go back on birth control for a time. In March of 2008, 6 months after the miscarriage, I got off of the pill for good. We were so naive to believe that getting pregnant would be as easy as it was the first time around. It took 9 months before we conceived our second child. We went through Christmas joyfully, knowing our child was healthy and would celebrate the next Christmas with us. Just 2 weeks later, I began to miscarry our second child. I was losing another baby at 12 weeks in pregnancy. I had made a decision to change my attitude. My faith had been strengthened this time around, and I sad as I was, I chose not to be angry... and that has made all the difference.

It has been a year since the death of our second child. In a little over a month, we would have been celebrating the second birthday of our first born. Not a day goes by that I don't miss my children. I want to be happy for my friends with children, and I can rejoice when I hear the news of another little one on the way. However, seeing a woman in the full bloom of her pregnancy stirs up a sadness in me that would be unbearable if not for the love of my Saviour. God has placed in my life a circle of friends who know the same grief that I bear. Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake is a wonderful book written to encourage and comfort women that have and are experiencing infertility, miscarriage, and failed adoptions. Me and 4 women at our church are reading through it together. This pain I am living with is shaping me into something beautiful. God knows the plans he has for me, plans to prosper me, plans to give me hope and a future. He sees my desire and promises that if I will delight myself in him, he will give me the desires of my heart. I wish I had my babies here with me, but I also know that I would not appreciate them nearly as much if I had not walked through this valley. My struggle has changed me completely, and it is for that reason alone, I rejoice for the test God allowed me to go through. My heart aches for a child, but I will walk through this valley praising God for what he has for me on the other side.