Friday, February 5, 2010

Walking Through the Valley

I in no way want this to turn into me whining. However, this is a piece of me that is so huge that I really need to talk about it. I know that I go through hard times so that I may encourage others who share my heartache, and I'm writing this now in hopes that it will bring comfort to some one.

For 2 1/2 years, my husband and I have been battling infertility. We got pregnant on birth control just 3 months after our wedding day. We were thrilled, me more than him, to have our first child on her way. The 8 week appointment went great, the baby was healthy and thriving. I was having an easy pregnancy and couldn't wait to hold my little one soon. At my 12 week appointment, my doctor searched for a heart beat, but found nothing. The sonogram showed that my baby had died 2 weeks previous. I was crushed beyond imagining. I was angry with my God for letting my child die. I have never hurt so deeply, and I do not say this lightly; I am no stranger to loss. We agreed to go back on birth control for a time. In March of 2008, 6 months after the miscarriage, I got off of the pill for good. We were so naive to believe that getting pregnant would be as easy as it was the first time around. It took 9 months before we conceived our second child. We went through Christmas joyfully, knowing our child was healthy and would celebrate the next Christmas with us. Just 2 weeks later, I began to miscarry our second child. I was losing another baby at 12 weeks in pregnancy. I had made a decision to change my attitude. My faith had been strengthened this time around, and I sad as I was, I chose not to be angry... and that has made all the difference.

It has been a year since the death of our second child. In a little over a month, we would have been celebrating the second birthday of our first born. Not a day goes by that I don't miss my children. I want to be happy for my friends with children, and I can rejoice when I hear the news of another little one on the way. However, seeing a woman in the full bloom of her pregnancy stirs up a sadness in me that would be unbearable if not for the love of my Saviour. God has placed in my life a circle of friends who know the same grief that I bear. Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake is a wonderful book written to encourage and comfort women that have and are experiencing infertility, miscarriage, and failed adoptions. Me and 4 women at our church are reading through it together. This pain I am living with is shaping me into something beautiful. God knows the plans he has for me, plans to prosper me, plans to give me hope and a future. He sees my desire and promises that if I will delight myself in him, he will give me the desires of my heart. I wish I had my babies here with me, but I also know that I would not appreciate them nearly as much if I had not walked through this valley. My struggle has changed me completely, and it is for that reason alone, I rejoice for the test God allowed me to go through. My heart aches for a child, but I will walk through this valley praising God for what he has for me on the other side.

1 comment:

  1. oh my, this post almost made me start crying. i'm so so sorry for you. we haven't started trying to have kids yet, but this is becoming a fear of mine. Just keep telling yourself that God is in complete control...over when you have kids, if you have kids, how many, adoptions, etc. obviously you already know that though. i just wanted to leave a quick comment to let you know that your post really hit me and that i'll be back to stay updated.