My Dear Friend Comes to Visit

She's here. I didn't really miss her though. She always comes on the weekend... always. The good news is my cycle went from 6/27-7/30! That's 3 days less than last time, and it's been in that range for 4 cycles now! It's the simple things, right?

My hard work is paying off; even if a period still reminds me of the condition I'm not in right now, I'm having one REGULARLY! Maybe, just maybe, I'm on the verge of getting my body in a normal state. That would be awesome!

Also, I'm not bummed about having my period. Major first. Through all of my recent research and study I'm learning just how dangerous I've made my body for a little life. I cleaned out all the conventional cleaners in my house and replaced them with tried and true homemade recipes. I can elaborate later, but I believe that a cleaning product may be to blame for the chromosomal mutation that makes me a carrier for Trisome 13 and 21. My genetic councilor said it happened later in life, and household cleaners contain an ingredient that will damage your genes. Lovely, right?

Gotta scoot. Going to see a sweet friend and her babies today!

My New Leaf

One overarching trend in my life is a serious lack of self discipline. I don't get things done that need done, I let myself get out of shape, and I shirk off responsibility. I've always loathed the lazy part of myself. Daniel is one of the most focused and disciplined people I know. How he has remained so patient with me I will never know.

Something clicked. I've finally had enough and I'm doing something about it. Sure, I've tried to be more disciplined in the past. But now, I have a secret weapon that makes this whole "new leaf" thing idiot proof. Enter Daniel. :) Daniel's profession consists of him organizing an entire workforce of people, and different facets of the production in his company and making a rather complicated schedule ensuring that those helicopters get built. He's a genius at what he does, and everything organizational for that matter. So, I figured, find a system to get things done, and ask Daniel to analyze it/hold me accountable. It's been going amazingly well for an entire week!

I've truly felt convicted about my lack of self discipline and failure to complete the simplest of tasks. It's been depressing me too. I know that Daniel's love language is acts of service, and this is the one area I fail consistently. I knew I had to do something for his sake.

It started with the clothes. I have clothes that I wore in high school. I graduated 5 years ago.... I hardly wear anything I own and thought, "why should I keep things I don't wear just to make my closet look full?" So, I literally bagged 90% of my wardrobe. It's in 5 garbage bags in the garage. I will take them to my grandmother's garage sale next week and hopefully make a few dollars. Talk about liberating. There's empty space in my dresser, I can find what I want to wear, and there's less clutter! This felt so good I collected 2 boxes full of stuff to take with the clothes.

From my uncluttering spawned the idea for "The Goal Book." Everyday I write down a list of chores to be finished by 5pm. I wrote down weekly goals, monthly goals, as well as long term goals, like my weight loss. Every day I do my work, write down what time I finished a chore or completed a goal, and even write down the time I spent wasting time. I will save all of this in a notebook so I can look back and see my improvement. This is where the plan becomes fail proof. I ask Daniel to look at my book when he gets home from work. Accountability is a fantastic motivator. As a bonus, Daniel seeing me take initiative and making progress makes him REALLY happy, so I'm really happy.

My doc said one of the best things I can do for the PCOS is an hour of jogging/cardio everyday to lose some weight and keep it off. Exercise goals are in the Goal Book too. I'm going to combine cardio with a yoga program designed to enhance fertility. I love yoga! There is nothing like it! I'm starting slow. I desperately need new running shoes, as the ones I have rub my toes terribly. I also cannot run in the heat. I have never been able to tolerate it. I need to get a gym membership, but I'll have to save my pennies for the sign up fee, and I may as well wait until I get new shoes. It will probably be a couple of months before I go to the gym. Until then, I'll use mom's treadmill and hope I can find a good pair of tennis shoes. I have picky feet. Yoga, requires no shoes though :)

Hopeful

The Metformin appears to be doing its job. I started on Sunday, and was only 6 days late! That's the closest I've been to regular in nearly 3 years. Also, this has been one of the easiest periods I've ever had, so yay. I started the Clomid at lunch today, so far it's not affecting me. 4 more days of that and praying that it makes me ovulate. I need a mature egg, with the potential for making a perfectly healthy baby, so PLEASE be praying.

I'm so sleepy right now. I'm so ready for the weekend, but I, again, don't get to stay home. Sad day. My cousin is graduating, I don't think he's old enough.... I'm in denial. The great news is, it's memorial day weekend and Daniel gets to stay home with me! I bought a top today. It's uber comfy even if it's not terribly flattering.

I've been reading Naturally Knocked Up and she's just about sold me on natural living. I never did like the idea of eating processed foods. I grew up eating them and I have tons of food allergies, PCOS, and a weight struggle... I would imagine that all the chemicals that get poured into my body have a part in some of that. I really want to take a course that Nourished Kitchen is offering on eating naturally. It looks interesting, but I'm not sure how willing I am to spend $120 on a class. If I knew that I would learn a lot I'd do it in a heartbeat, but I'm not sure that it's worth that kind of money for me. It's certainly not frugal :) Living "green" and eat eating naturally has become a strong point of interest to me lately. I'm not a "save the polar bear" type, but I do believe in living responsibly, and more than ever, living as healthy as possible. After all, our bodies are a temple, why would I want to put anything but the best into my temple?

Blossoms, Dresses and Hope

Photo Credit

Do you ever have days where you absolutely thirst to see something beautiful? I'm having one of those days. I'm very tempted to pack a lunch and drive all the way out to the Arboretum to take in the flowers, the rich smells, the cool breeze, the restful shade, and just God's creation in general. Sadly, my day's obligations will not allow me this little pleasure today.

Photo Credit

What is it about strawberries that captures me so? I think they are absolutely gorgeous! I found a bunch of HUGE berries on sale at my grocery store. They were delicious, especially after I dipped them in some chocolate!

I survived Mother's Day. I didn't even cry. I've had a strange since of peace lately. I know it's from God, I just don't know why I have it. Another disappointment is not something I want, but I have been allowing myself to be hopeful and even optimistic that we'll receive news of a healthy baby soon. How I wish I could say for certain this is my womanly intuition at work, but I can't. I know better than to let myself hope this way, because it just makes the negative test sting all the more. It's odd, I haven't been afraid of the negative test lately. Some insane piece of me believes it's not going to happen this time. I hope my insane self is right!

I sold a sculpture yesterday! As soon as I receive the check I'm going to go the fabric store and pick out a pretty print to use for a cute dress pattern I've had for a while. I could use something fresh for summer. If I get pregnant this one will work for a while ;)

I'm Ok

We decided to skip church today... I was going to go, but Daniel made an executive decision to stay home. He hates seeing me upset or sad, and he's been wonderful today.

I'm sitting with my coffee while he plays his game. Soon, we'll go buy our moms something pretty for their gardens and hang out with our families. I LOVE that our parents live next door and are such good friends. I will cry a lot the day my father-in-law decides to take his promotion and move to D.C. My mother-in-law is very precious to me, and has been for many years. I'm like her in so many ways, and have always been able to sit and talk with her very easily. I love her!

I was thinking of getting Mom a fuchsia plant; I'm hoping Lowe's still has them. They're very unique. (See photo above.) I was hoping to find some sort of yard art that would dress up Carol's beautiful vegetable garden. She spends so much time out there and it really is a lovely little garden. Again, when I ever find my camera charger I will start posting pictures... it takes really nice pictures when the photographer is not photo-challenged, like me. :(

Monkey is making me CRAZY! She's ready to go outside again, but I'm afraid she would leave for the whole day and not be able to feed the kittens; who, by the way, are the cutest things in the whole world. No outside for Monk until the kittens are weened and her baby maker is removed.

Time to start rounding up the husband... he's reluctant to do much of anything on the weekends and it takes a while to get him going. :)

Happy Mother's day to all of you, the moms with kids, the moms who miss their kids, the moms who are waiting for kids, and the "moms" who do such a wonderful job of loving and encouraging other's kids. I hope your day is a happy one, and for those of you like me, hang in there!

Mother's Day

I wish I could say that Mother's Day was a happy holiday for me, but it is anything but that. I have made a tradition for the past 2 years of skipping church on Mother's day, because it's too painful to sit there knowing I AM a mother, but not being recognized as such because my children aren't here in my arms. The only evidence of motherhood I have is the constant ache I live with, and the very great hope to one day hold my children and tell them how much I love them when I join them in heaven.

I am debating going on Sunday. We are members of a church which is very familiar with the pain of infertility and loss of children. Do I dare do that to myself? I want the lives of my children to be validated, to have meaning and purpose, not just by me, but by others as well. Part of me wants to run away, but part of me wants to go and be surrounded by my sweet friends who know exactly what I am feeling. To link arms with them and brave this together. Could I be courageous enough to face my pain head on?

Psalm 126:5-6 "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping carrying seeds to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him." I cling tight to this verse. My seeds are the many prayers for children in my arms, and goodness knows I've weeped. My hope is that my sheaves are precious little ones.

Please, let a woman who misses her children (either in heaven or not yet conceived) know that you are thinking of her and praying for her. You cannot imagine how much it will mean to her.

Documentaries and Doctors

I watched the documentary "The Business of Being Born" and it has reaffirmed my desire to use a midwife. I would recommend this movie to any woman thinking of having children (with the disclaimer that there is nudity, a little language, gooey birth scenes, and it shows a C-section).

My follow up appointment with Dr. Z went well. All tests came back normal and the ultrasound was close to normal. She's still maintaining the diagnosis of PCOS, simply because the symptoms are very much there. She stills wants to treat with the Metformin and start Clomid on my next cycle. If I don't have my period by 5/25 she will force me to have it and then start Clomid on day 5 for 5 days and then to make a baby! So, we are very hopeful that we get good news in June!

My hope is to continue to use Dr. Z throughout a healthy pregnancy (soon :) ) and use a midwife so that I can have a completely natural delivery. I'm not sold on having a baby at home quite yet, I'll have to look into that a little more. However, if we chose to do that, we live less than 15 minutes from the hospital where Dr. Z delivers. I have several friends who have gone this route and have been very happy.

Say a prayer for us, Dr. Z is very optimistic and it's rubbing off on me. I know I can get pregnant eventually, I just really, really want a perfectly healthy baby.